At West Covina Buddhist Temple's annual Eitaikyo (memorial) Service on January 18, 1998, Rinban Nori Ito spoke eloquently on the subject of "relationships." He commented on how the recent passing of longtime WCBT supporter Tsuneko Ikeda demonstrates the meaning of the Eitaikyo Service in particular. "It shows the responsibility of our leaders to maintain growth so that we don't waste the efforts of Tsuneko Ikeda," said Rinban.
"The reason why we have these memorial services is central to Buddhism," Rinban continued. "It's about our relationships with people, including strangers." As an example, Rinban recalled recently how he was asked by a young couple he'd never met to act as a marriage counselor. They also had a young baby, so it would be especially hard to separate or divorce. Though not an official marriage counselor, Rinban offered to share with them "how Buddhism can help us with relationships," and they agreed.
Did it work? "They came in with very stern faces and the wife in particular was very emotional, but they left more cordial and both were smiling. This was a good sign," he said. Rinban reminded us that "the Dharma is there...but most of the time we don't heed its advice."
To better illustrate the Buddhist perspective on human relationships, Rinban Nori told the story of a young boy who had gotten caught shoplifting in a small town, embarassing his family. When the father found out, he took his son off into the distant hills. The father carried a big stick with him. Of course, the son was fearful he was about to get hit. But interestingly, the father did not hit his son. Instead, he said to his son, "Hit me with the stick." The son resisted, but eventually, after the father repeatedly shouted "hit me, hit me," the son finally did. The father said, "That hurt...but it's nothing compared to the pain I felt when I heard you were caught for shoplifting."
Rinban's comment on this story was that, at least from a Buddhist perspective, there may be something lacking. To illustrate what this might be, Rinban told another story. In Japan, a father had also found out his son was caught shoplifting, and the father was asked to come down to the police station to pick his son up. During the drive there, the father asked himself, "How did this happen...what is my responsibility?" The father then realized that he hadn't exactly been a good father. He had been staying out late drinking and was frequently out golfing on weekends. The father realized he was responsible. At the police station, the father apologized to his son. "It's my fault," he said.
Rinban pointed out that "The resolution of the second story is the same as the first in that the son did indeed decide to "change his ways for the better." However, the second story better illustrates the Buddhist perspective. "You teach by example," commented Rinban. When the father apologized and bowed to the son, it showed the son that his father really cared."
"When we realize how we are all interdependent with all of life, it makes us realize our responsibility with all of life. It makes us realize we are responsible for what we do," said Rinban Nori. "We are who we are because of the people we honor at these kinds of memorial services...by reflecting on this, Buddhism can help us to improve all our relationships."